Let the Contest Begin!

Human development consists of, among other things, forming a sense of self and esteem. The questions who am I and what am I here for are nearly universal, although it is true that they are more pronounced in societies that are relatively free from poverty and warfare. Abraham Maslow explained why this is so by proposing a hierarchy of needs which has since generally been accepted as valid. Coming from the idyllic W.A.S.P. environment which defined Jefferson County, Colorado, I had more than enough protection from worldly distractions like hunger, homelessness, racial inequality, etc, to supply ample time for this self-reflection. In the course of this introspection, however, I discovered that there were varying degrees of disparity between how I viewed myself and how others viewed me. For the most part, I sensed that my worth to others was conditional. Parents love me if I am a good boy. Teachers love me if I am a good pupil. Peers love me if I fulfill particular criteria of friendship that I to this day do not comprehend. While I was supposed to be building a solid sense of self-esteem, I could not avoid the fact that it was highly dependent upon what others thought of me. This understanding eventually generalized from personal relationships to the way that I interacted with larger institutions. While I knew in my own mind what constituted a calling from God, such knowledge was irrelevant to the university and the church because their evaluation of me was based upon how well I conformed to their structure and how well I was able to regurgitate what they deemed to be important. As I grew in wisdom and in stature I found myself increasingly at odds with the society in which I was living.