Tidings of Comfort and Joy

I want to thank the cowardly jerk who collided with the front bumper of my Prius yesterday and then fled the scene leaving the innocent victim parked in the Clark County Garage (oh, yes, they probably have you on video tape, but with my luck you’re some uppity-up that has immunity from prosecution). But as I’ve had less than twenty-four hours to reflect upon your foul deed, it really has challenged the authenticity of my Christmas spirit. How I might have reacted any other time of year I’ll never know, but I’m trying very hard to employ my belief in peace on Earth and goodwill toward humankind even for a Scrooge like you. In the name of Christmas, I’m going to forgive your blatantly criminal behavior so that you won’t suffer the angst of a guilty conscience this holiday season (obviously, I’m giving you credit for a degree of intelligence and moral conscience that most of you Neanderthal types don’t possess; I’m probably lucky that I wasn’t present at the scene because your type usually shoots first and asks questions later). I’m just sorry that you didn’t get far enough into the body to be electrocuted by the gazillion volt battery. It would have been nice to have apprehended you lit up like a freaking Christmas tree.