When Will We Ever Learn?

My political career began at the tender young age of six when I took it upon myself to appoint me as president of my first grade class (perhaps there will be time later to explain the whys and wherefores of this yearling scandal). I wasn’t able to muster enough fortitude to make a legitimate bid for class president until I was in the eighth grade, an endeavor which ultimately became an exercise in humiliation. Lowering my sights to a simple seat on my high school’s Student Council met with no greater success, and being “smarter than the average bear” eventually brought me to the realization that I didn’t possess the charisma to be elected to anything.

What prompted this degrading retrospective is looking ahead to November’s elections. The polls tell us that the majority of Americans are not especially happy with what’s going on in Washington these days, and yet the results of the midterm elections will be remarkably predictable. Few incumbents are blessed with the almost guaranteed return to office as are U.S. House representatives, a fact that holds true year in and year out. I’d like to serve my country as a congressman, and I’m egotistical enough to think that there could be worse choices.

I’m honest. I’m intelligent. I have an ethic that allows me to regard the nobility of public service as a sacred trust. But I don’t stand an ice cube’s chance in hell of ever being elected to the house of the people. For one thing, this is because I don’t have the financial wherewithal to mount an effective campaign. But those who are already in office have demonstrated that they surely do possess such monetary prowess, and that seems to be the criteria used by most Americans to choose for whom they will vote. Many elections have come and gone since Will Rogers observed that the United States has the best Congress money can buy, and regardless of what we tell the pollsters that seems to be just the way we like it.